It’s needless to say that I’m a little complicated.

I forget to follow my instincts, when I know what I’m doing isn’t right. I push away people that should be kept around for fear that one day they’ll realize I’m not what I pretend to be on the outside. I’m afraid people will not like me for who I really am, so I play pretend. It’s unfortunate on so many levels that this fear cripples me in both life in general and in my love life.

I gave up an almost two-year relationship with the only guy I’ve truly cared about because of my fear he would wake up one morning and realize that I wasn’t good enough for him. I didn’t deserve him from the beginning, so I made sure to keep my distance. I fell in love with him, despite all of the misgivings and drama I caused. I wanted so much to be what he wanted - what he needed, and in the end, I ended up being everything he should be without.

A sort of “poison” if you will.

I know everything that I did would have consequences, but facing up to my mistakes has been much more difficult than I had intended it to be. I have no one to blame but myself for how the whole situation turned out. I do want him to be happy, but why couldn’t I just be content to believe I did make him happy? It’s not so much of a stretch that he could have been happy with me, but I guess being so unhappy with myself caused all of my insecurities to shoot up and ruin things. 

I hear time is supposed to help mend your broken heart. Unfortunately, my heart isn’t broken. It’s just not with me anymore. He can have it, if he wants it. I don’t know how to get it back at this point and thinking about it makes me hurt in so many ways, it’s incomprehensible. On so many levels, I would love to have things to where I could attempt to fix this whole mess, but I also know that in order for him to be happy, he’s better off without me.

I hate knowing he can be happy with someone else. At first, i thought it was just one girl in particular making him happy, that upset me. Now I realize that, no matter who it is, I’ll always hate whoever she is for doing the one thing I couldn’t - being happy WITH him instead of worrying about DISAPPOINTING him.

I know, deep down, everything will be okay, but for right now, I’m just wallowing in self-pity (what I seem to do best these days) and focusing on the great attempt of getting past all of this nonsense and making an effort to be happy.

I heard a song today that made me feel really bad for how I treated him.

This Love - Maroon 5.

“This love has taken it’s toll on me, She’s said goodbye too many times before.”

I feel bad for so many things and I can’t even figure out how to deal. I guess I’m waiting for a second chance that I’ve already used. He deserves to be happy. I just need to remember that.